Senandika

 This came out as she finishes stalking her highschool chairmate, which been having one sided for 8 months, decided to confess and got rejected. She was deeply in love Funny how feelings work. Thou Her Royal Licoriceness couldn't relate with the situation but it really does affect her, in a way that she will hold her feelings. In a word to continue living with logic and perhaps should throw away any feelings that starts creeping into her heart. She does not want to be the one stupidly, madly, in love with a person who does not even gonna love her back. Why bother falling in love with someone when she cannot even love herself first

So when? Will it finally come? The day that ends everything

Hello, Or will they be apart this time? Bid goodbye And welcome the upgraded version of her Hopefully blooming during autumn With warm bliss And stay .................

Stars align but dead freeze And so the night breeze bid goodbye Thus leaving only numbness. breathless, infinite cold  Lo and behold As the dark visit once more That makes her weary, restless That makes her confused That makes her lost Or perhaps it is her very own self that made her so.. Should she blame the dark like always? Or should she blame herself this time?

Do not go outside.. Please? Once you're outside you're just gonna hurt yourself Either that or you hurt another people Do not go outside.. Please? There are no lights along the pavement The darkness will eat you alive Do not go outside.. Please? Once you're outside, you're gonna get lost You never find your way back since you don't have any map You cannot scream or search for help cause you are alone And you're just gonna wander deeper and deeper Helpless So do not go outside... Please? I'm begging you

I had gathered all the courage that were not even there to begin with To wrote this letter in hope you will read it one day Since I am a coward, I am no man of courage My guilty conscience kept me awake the whole time last night She invited the dark to come play along The dark has always been there since three years ago Last night, I was afraid that they'd consume all the good thoughts I was scared, knowing they could take over all the bright places and suddenly it's just the dark But without me.... I wrote this in hope they will leave me alone one day To a girl named A You're the strongest person I've ever known You taught me much about forgiveness You told me not to wander too far since I did not bring a map You reminded me to be content with what I have I'm sorry It was my unexpected presence that hurts you in so many ways It added another pain when you've got too many already But you did hold on a while longer You've fought the toughest battle See? You...

It was 12 in the midnight and here's a snippets of my conversations with olipp Nat Mau deact aja dari dunia boleh gak sih? Olip Jangan, nanti gue kehilangan. Gue gak mau kehilangan orang orang disekeliling gue... Egois ya? Nat Ya dua duanya egois lah lip... Olip Hah? Gimana gimana? Nat Ya kalo gue mau mati gue yang egois, lo pengen gue gak mati lo juga egois. Pada akhirnya emang manusia itu egois Olip Iya juga ya.. Masuk akal

Autumn is here And so the time has come For the roller coaster ride Tell me Will it always be like this? When the leaves start to fall When the sky decided to go back and forth Between cloudy, rainy or windy Will it stay permanent? Tell me Why autumn has become my love and my hatred Perhaps it is because I was born in Fall That is when the leaves start to fall And so does my emotional well being How long will it last? A moment where counting nights of anxiety attack has been taking over Which I will never be ready For when the time has finally come When I start to hurt myself again When I start to hate myself again When I start to blame myself again As a finale I should have died years ago

Merupakan sifat manusia yang tak dapat dihindari. Terlalu sering menerpa hingga kita terbiasa akan hadirnya. Banyak cara mengatasi jenuh namun tentu yang terbaik dari segala pilihan adalah lari. Mencari pelarian hingga tak lagi jenuh lalu kembali; atau terus saja berlari tanpa harus berbalik hingga akhirnya rasa jenuh itu kembali. Menjadi dewasa memang tak ada ujungnya... Semua harus dialami agar tidak goyah ketika semesta mempermainkan diri.

do not love me for I am a catastrophe I could torment your life anytime of the day Such monstrosity that would only bring pain and suffer do not love me for I am such a klutz I have way too many scars I might scared of getting hurt, but I always hurt myself at the end of the day I have way too many scars That I myself could never heal it properly That others think beautiful, but it is visually ugly That I myself could never know when it'll finally gone do not love me for I am such a catastrophe Shards of glasses that could make you bleed Thorn of roses that could scare you Edge of knives that could stab you anytime of the day do not love me for so many reasons God...... Please do not love me for good

A too much is just too much for one But it also might be too little for others Today she learned that people faces different problems. Such a rollercoaster ride for one to experience. Not every rides are thrilling and exciting; some even hurting or scary. And to wonder how many rides they've had or how many more? It's great to be a listener sometimes but when one have enough, should they be the storyteller then? Funny to say that...... I do sometimes want to tell but words don't come out easily. Solid reason to be a listener. Berlin, February 2020

Hey there Mr. Moon Been seven months She misses writing down her feelings Reminding her very own self To not be too harsh to not be afraid to not be inferior Despite everything.. Before autumn ends She realized that,  mayhap,  she's been ever so fragile wounded by herself she's been ever so lonely can trust nobody but she's been ever so strong if it isn't wrong Mayhap she wrote this as a reassurance That despite everything She will ever be 

Yesterday she tried to camouflaged as if she's the happiest person in the world. It went well by the end of the day. Today she disguised herself as if she's one carefree person. She hides perfectly that no one knows her very own self. Appearing nonchalant and reserved and no one asks why Tomorrow will be one tough day because she's ran out of masks But what's the point of using masks anyway when the anxiety keeps coming.....

There are times when she is not okay As if the world turned upside down As if the world hates her very own self A friction between her and her very own self Times when she's feeling distressed By the hollowing anxiety By the pressure from her very own self Could she ever be at peace with her own self? Could she ever stop worrying and being scared of everything? Could the unpleasant, vexatious things go forever? From her who's emotionally unstable and trying to fix the wreckage

Hai... Apa cerita malam ini? Mau pergi kemana? Jangan terlalu tinggi, harapanku tak sampai Jangan terlalu jauh, aku tidak mungkin kuat Jangan terlalu lama, aku tidak bisa menunggu Angkasa menjawab Berlarilah dan mengejar. Aku disini Kau tunggu karena kau sabar Kau kuat karena kau yakin Kau akan sampai karena kau berlari dan aku disini ❄ ❆ ❄ ❆ ❄ ❆ ❄ ❆ ❄ ❆ ❄ ❆ ❄ ❆ ❄ She reassured herself that god has everything planned

Teruntuk Bastian : Egoku dan egomu beradu. Maaf. Kau sempat memanggil agar kembali, namun aku terlampau apatis. Terimakasih. Kau datang sebagai karya fantasi pertama yang menentang semua ideku. Maaf aku terlampau apatis. Teruntuk Sabina : Pembawaanmu yang dewasa dan aku yang terlalu kekanakan, tapi kau mengerti. Maaf aku terlampau apatis. Terimakasih. Kekuranganmu yang tidak pernah kau tutupi menjadi sebuah kelebihan. Melalui perwujudanmu, aku bisa berkaca pada diri ini. Jendela dunia begitu luas. Dan kau datang sebagai karya fantasi terbaik. Maaf aku terlampau apatis

Rintik jatuh ketika berkelana Aku dengar dia datang sebelum senja Hai... Bagaimana kabarnya? Sudah bertemu dengannya? Kapan perginya? Ujarku bersenandika

One having a great big puzzle inside her mind. It wanders everywhere, asking every soul the same thing. You say, maybe people act like dumbass because they all have humanity inside. Am I stupid enough to think this way? And so, this question stays on one's mind.... Even after infinite discussion

"Sir.. Mister moon who shines brightly at night, may I ask you a question?" fiddling with her fingers, she has been compiling lots of question. About her life, what to expect, dreams, hopes, failures, things that play the role when one grow up. "How does one live through his/her life without getting hurt?" It was dark, he hid behind his friends, the clouds. So she wait....... and wait... and waited... And never got the answer